1 Year After D Day

Happy D Day 1 Year anniversary to me.


Well, I have hit that all important milestone. One year from D Day. Almost to the minute about now. It's funny, while reflecting back, I can't tell you details of what I was doing on that day. It was quite ordinary. I believe the kids and I ran an errand and had some lunch. I couldn't tell you where we went or what we had. I remember sitting at the computer checking email and receiving THE email. The cryptic confirmation that my 6th sense had been spot on for quite some time. I almost deleted that email as junkmail by the way. Until I noticed the subject was a little personalized for the advertiser. Good Reads, which I barely use. It mention my name and my husband's in the subject line. Hmmmmm. I remember the blood rushing through my body so fast as I read that email. I thought for sure I was going to collapse, except I was sitting down already. In just a matter of seconds, my word completely changed.


I have often wondered who sent that email. No one has ever claimed that responsibility. It was a cowardly way to let someone know something of that magnitude. And of course, they didn't give very much information, just enough to ruin my life as I knew it. And this kind soul had actually set up a fictional  Facebook account first and tried to friend me. Ummm, who accepts friend requests from people they don't know? I really do wish I could thank that person personally. Makes you question their motives. Their character. There is a special place for them surely. If they felt the need to let me know and yes, I did need to know, they should have done it differently.


Anyway, very off topic on that.....


To say the last year has been difficult would be an understatement. I do realize I put my husband on a pedestal. I truly believed him to be above infidelity. He was just "too good" of a person. But he was just human. The problem is I hold trust and integrity pretty high up my list of needs as far as values go. That is beyond broken. We are working on our relationship. He is much more available and loving. He seems to want to be here and seems to be committed to us. The problem is, without the trust, I just don't KNOW that he is. I never doubted him before all of this. I thought we were working through things. I didn't realize he was distant because I wasn't his top priority anymore...nor were the kids, or the house, or anything else related to our marriage. I thought he was depressed because of work. I thought he was down because he had some health issues. I thought I knew why he was pulling away.


Instead, he was posting ads on Craig's list. Looking for something...looking for someone. I think I would feel better if he hadn't so blatantly searched out his affair. Which, BTW lasted over 2 years, maybe longer. And, he brought the person around our home and our kids. It was the worst of the worst. He doesn't want to give me too many details since it may hurt me. Lies of omission are truly just as bad as lies.


So one year later, I would like to say I have it all figured out. I don't. Sometimes while he sleeps, I think who the hell are you? How could you? How dare you? Not to say that I am prefect, far from it. But I don't run from my problems. In the past year, my flight responsive has been calling out to me. It has taken everything in me not to run. Not to just give up and not try. It is so hard to work on something when you have been hurt so deeply.


Here's the thing, I made a vow quite a few years ago. "For better or worse...." Well, it definitely hit the worse part. I have to try because marriage means something to me. I didn't enter into it lightly. So I need to know that I did or am doing my due diligence. Of course, there is the kid factor. They didn't ask to be born. They didn't ask for the drama. I have had to hold my head as high as possible and suck up the tears and try to keep things as "normal" as possible. I came from a divorced home and my parents, well, my mom was horrible to live with. So very bitter and depressed. I won't do that to my kids. And their dad, no matter what an ass he's been, he is still their dad.


My biggest hope now is that he has learned and that he is truly regretful. Not just that he got caught and has now become more careful. (and yes, I do worry about that). I hope that he now THINKS before he does something and realizes that his actions effect more than just him. More than just me. He has a duty to be a good role model. I don't believe you can teach values and act in such a manner.


In the past year, I have found some terrific online resources to get me through the days and even longer nights. I have had some very dark moments. If you are reading this, you may be there too. You may be needing some insight, someone to listen. To read about other betrayed spouses and see how they managed to make it through another day. Or just to vent. My favorite blog is the Betrayed Wives Club. Elle is amazing. She's been there. She's surviving. She is insightful and amazing. Her most recent post is very true. One of the hardest parts of dealing with betrayal is the stigma or that we remain silent for various reasons. That we feel alone. We were betrayed by who we trusted most after all, that is almost impossible to get past.


http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2015/07/five-ways-betrayed-wives-are-silenced.html

Good man?

Valentine's day 2015 has come and gone.

....so has my 7 month d-day mark....the weekend was hard.

.......My WH is trying, but I just can't help feel the niggle that things still aren't right. 

I came across this blog article yesterday night. And it spoke to me. 

http://jamesmsama.com/2015/01/26/11-reasons-good-men-wont-cheat/

I thought I had a good man. I thought wrong. Granted, it just makes him more human, but I tend to agree with James on his points in the article. Perhaps I married a good "boy", but definitely not a man. He always spoke so passionately about integrity and how people shouldn't cheat because it was so wrong to not finish one thing or work on it prior to moving on to something else. Boy was I snowed. 

Here's to a more peaceful 2015

I haven't been posting much lately. It's funny how much can go through a mind on a single day, but to sit and write about it? Well, sometimes we just need time to think and process our thoughts before trying to make sense of them by writing.

It's been well over 6 months since my D-Day. And a good 6 weeks since I discovered more information than I ever truly wanted to find through a gmail account I hacked. Yep, be careful what you wish for......Oh my. But, things do seem to be getting better. At least on the surface.

I still wonder what my WH is thinking or doing. Because I can't always know what he is doing. And at some point, I have to just let him DO what ever it is he is going to DO. Because the only person I can control is ME. Ouch.....how often have I told my kids the exact same thing? It is true though. I do know this. I also know that nothing is guaranteed. I wasn't guaranteed before I realized that my husband was actually capable of doing things I never dreamed he was capable of doing. And I am most certainly not guaranteed anything now. But, there is still hope.I hope that our relationship can be saved. That our family won't suffer too much. That things truly can get better.

I hope that there is a day I don't wonder what he's up to.

A day I don't want to check his cell phone or email accounts.

A day where things just feel better.

And, some days they do feel a lot better than they did 6 plus months ago. Or even 2 months ago.

So for 2015, what I would like for others to think about is this. If by chance you are thinking about cheating because perhaps your relationship isn't what you would like it to be OR if you are already cheating. THINK about what you are doing and WHY you are really doing it. I think most couple just lack good communication. There are a lot of assumptions.

Don't assume.

TALK to your significant other. Not the "other" other.

The person you made those vows with?
That's the one you should be discussing your future with.
Your hopes and dreams with.
You disappointments with.
Your frustrations with.

Perhaps they feel sad and lonely too. Take the first step.

Maybe thing won't work out. Maybe it's not destined to be forever, but at least you'll know that you gave it your all. You won't be sitting there a few years from now wondering what to do and if you did enough. You'll know you tried.

And yes, maybe you'll need to be honest about what's been going on, but trust me. Your spouse would rather hear from you what's been going on than to find out randomly later. Trust me. Because if they find out through other sources, they'll be like me and MANY other who are left wondering...

are you really sorry about your affair?

or are you just sorry you got caught?