Happy D Day 1 Year anniversary to me.
Well, I have hit that all important milestone. One year from D Day. Almost to the minute about now. It's funny, while reflecting back, I can't tell you details of what I was doing on that day. It was quite ordinary. I believe the kids and I ran an errand and had some lunch. I couldn't tell you where we went or what we had. I remember sitting at the computer checking email and receiving THE email. The cryptic confirmation that my 6th sense had been spot on for quite some time. I almost deleted that email as junkmail by the way. Until I noticed the subject was a little personalized for the advertiser. Good Reads, which I barely use. It mention my name and my husband's in the subject line. Hmmmmm. I remember the blood rushing through my body so fast as I read that email. I thought for sure I was going to collapse, except I was sitting down already. In just a matter of seconds, my word completely changed.
I have often wondered who sent that email. No one has ever claimed that responsibility. It was a cowardly way to let someone know something of that magnitude. And of course, they didn't give very much information, just enough to ruin my life as I knew it. And this kind soul had actually set up a fictional Facebook account first and tried to friend me. Ummm, who accepts friend requests from people they don't know? I really do wish I could thank that person personally. Makes you question their motives. Their character. There is a special place for them surely. If they felt the need to let me know and yes, I did need to know, they should have done it differently.
Anyway, very off topic on that.....
To say the last year has been difficult would be an understatement. I do realize I put my husband on a pedestal. I truly believed him to be above infidelity. He was just "too good" of a person. But he was just human. The problem is I hold trust and integrity pretty high up my list of needs as far as values go. That is beyond broken. We are working on our relationship. He is much more available and loving. He seems to want to be here and seems to be committed to us. The problem is, without the trust, I just don't KNOW that he is. I never doubted him before all of this. I thought we were working through things. I didn't realize he was distant because I wasn't his top priority anymore...nor were the kids, or the house, or anything else related to our marriage. I thought he was depressed because of work. I thought he was down because he had some health issues. I thought I knew why he was pulling away.
Instead, he was posting ads on Craig's list. Looking for something...looking for someone. I think I would feel better if he hadn't so blatantly searched out his affair. Which, BTW lasted over 2 years, maybe longer. And, he brought the person around our home and our kids. It was the worst of the worst. He doesn't want to give me too many details since it may hurt me. Lies of omission are truly just as bad as lies.
So one year later, I would like to say I have it all figured out. I don't. Sometimes while he sleeps, I think who the hell are you? How could you? How dare you? Not to say that I am prefect, far from it. But I don't run from my problems. In the past year, my flight responsive has been calling out to me. It has taken everything in me not to run. Not to just give up and not try. It is so hard to work on something when you have been hurt so deeply.
Here's the thing, I made a vow quite a few years ago. "For better or worse...." Well, it definitely hit the worse part. I have to try because marriage means something to me. I didn't enter into it lightly. So I need to know that I did or am doing my due diligence. Of course, there is the kid factor. They didn't ask to be born. They didn't ask for the drama. I have had to hold my head as high as possible and suck up the tears and try to keep things as "normal" as possible. I came from a divorced home and my parents, well, my mom was horrible to live with. So very bitter and depressed. I won't do that to my kids. And their dad, no matter what an ass he's been, he is still their dad.
My biggest hope now is that he has learned and that he is truly regretful. Not just that he got caught and has now become more careful. (and yes, I do worry about that). I hope that he now THINKS before he does something and realizes that his actions effect more than just him. More than just me. He has a duty to be a good role model. I don't believe you can teach values and act in such a manner.
In the past year, I have found some terrific online resources to get me through the days and even longer nights. I have had some very dark moments. If you are reading this, you may be there too. You may be needing some insight, someone to listen. To read about other betrayed spouses and see how they managed to make it through another day. Or just to vent. My favorite blog is the Betrayed Wives Club. Elle is amazing. She's been there. She's surviving. She is insightful and amazing. Her most recent post is very true. One of the hardest parts of dealing with betrayal is the stigma or that we remain silent for various reasons. That we feel alone. We were betrayed by who we trusted most after all, that is almost impossible to get past.
http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2015/07/five-ways-betrayed-wives-are-silenced.html
