1 Year After D Day

Happy D Day 1 Year anniversary to me.


Well, I have hit that all important milestone. One year from D Day. Almost to the minute about now. It's funny, while reflecting back, I can't tell you details of what I was doing on that day. It was quite ordinary. I believe the kids and I ran an errand and had some lunch. I couldn't tell you where we went or what we had. I remember sitting at the computer checking email and receiving THE email. The cryptic confirmation that my 6th sense had been spot on for quite some time. I almost deleted that email as junkmail by the way. Until I noticed the subject was a little personalized for the advertiser. Good Reads, which I barely use. It mention my name and my husband's in the subject line. Hmmmmm. I remember the blood rushing through my body so fast as I read that email. I thought for sure I was going to collapse, except I was sitting down already. In just a matter of seconds, my word completely changed.


I have often wondered who sent that email. No one has ever claimed that responsibility. It was a cowardly way to let someone know something of that magnitude. And of course, they didn't give very much information, just enough to ruin my life as I knew it. And this kind soul had actually set up a fictional  Facebook account first and tried to friend me. Ummm, who accepts friend requests from people they don't know? I really do wish I could thank that person personally. Makes you question their motives. Their character. There is a special place for them surely. If they felt the need to let me know and yes, I did need to know, they should have done it differently.


Anyway, very off topic on that.....


To say the last year has been difficult would be an understatement. I do realize I put my husband on a pedestal. I truly believed him to be above infidelity. He was just "too good" of a person. But he was just human. The problem is I hold trust and integrity pretty high up my list of needs as far as values go. That is beyond broken. We are working on our relationship. He is much more available and loving. He seems to want to be here and seems to be committed to us. The problem is, without the trust, I just don't KNOW that he is. I never doubted him before all of this. I thought we were working through things. I didn't realize he was distant because I wasn't his top priority anymore...nor were the kids, or the house, or anything else related to our marriage. I thought he was depressed because of work. I thought he was down because he had some health issues. I thought I knew why he was pulling away.


Instead, he was posting ads on Craig's list. Looking for something...looking for someone. I think I would feel better if he hadn't so blatantly searched out his affair. Which, BTW lasted over 2 years, maybe longer. And, he brought the person around our home and our kids. It was the worst of the worst. He doesn't want to give me too many details since it may hurt me. Lies of omission are truly just as bad as lies.


So one year later, I would like to say I have it all figured out. I don't. Sometimes while he sleeps, I think who the hell are you? How could you? How dare you? Not to say that I am prefect, far from it. But I don't run from my problems. In the past year, my flight responsive has been calling out to me. It has taken everything in me not to run. Not to just give up and not try. It is so hard to work on something when you have been hurt so deeply.


Here's the thing, I made a vow quite a few years ago. "For better or worse...." Well, it definitely hit the worse part. I have to try because marriage means something to me. I didn't enter into it lightly. So I need to know that I did or am doing my due diligence. Of course, there is the kid factor. They didn't ask to be born. They didn't ask for the drama. I have had to hold my head as high as possible and suck up the tears and try to keep things as "normal" as possible. I came from a divorced home and my parents, well, my mom was horrible to live with. So very bitter and depressed. I won't do that to my kids. And their dad, no matter what an ass he's been, he is still their dad.


My biggest hope now is that he has learned and that he is truly regretful. Not just that he got caught and has now become more careful. (and yes, I do worry about that). I hope that he now THINKS before he does something and realizes that his actions effect more than just him. More than just me. He has a duty to be a good role model. I don't believe you can teach values and act in such a manner.


In the past year, I have found some terrific online resources to get me through the days and even longer nights. I have had some very dark moments. If you are reading this, you may be there too. You may be needing some insight, someone to listen. To read about other betrayed spouses and see how they managed to make it through another day. Or just to vent. My favorite blog is the Betrayed Wives Club. Elle is amazing. She's been there. She's surviving. She is insightful and amazing. Her most recent post is very true. One of the hardest parts of dealing with betrayal is the stigma or that we remain silent for various reasons. That we feel alone. We were betrayed by who we trusted most after all, that is almost impossible to get past.


http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.com/2015/07/five-ways-betrayed-wives-are-silenced.html

Good man?

Valentine's day 2015 has come and gone.

....so has my 7 month d-day mark....the weekend was hard.

.......My WH is trying, but I just can't help feel the niggle that things still aren't right. 

I came across this blog article yesterday night. And it spoke to me. 

http://jamesmsama.com/2015/01/26/11-reasons-good-men-wont-cheat/

I thought I had a good man. I thought wrong. Granted, it just makes him more human, but I tend to agree with James on his points in the article. Perhaps I married a good "boy", but definitely not a man. He always spoke so passionately about integrity and how people shouldn't cheat because it was so wrong to not finish one thing or work on it prior to moving on to something else. Boy was I snowed. 

Here's to a more peaceful 2015

I haven't been posting much lately. It's funny how much can go through a mind on a single day, but to sit and write about it? Well, sometimes we just need time to think and process our thoughts before trying to make sense of them by writing.

It's been well over 6 months since my D-Day. And a good 6 weeks since I discovered more information than I ever truly wanted to find through a gmail account I hacked. Yep, be careful what you wish for......Oh my. But, things do seem to be getting better. At least on the surface.

I still wonder what my WH is thinking or doing. Because I can't always know what he is doing. And at some point, I have to just let him DO what ever it is he is going to DO. Because the only person I can control is ME. Ouch.....how often have I told my kids the exact same thing? It is true though. I do know this. I also know that nothing is guaranteed. I wasn't guaranteed before I realized that my husband was actually capable of doing things I never dreamed he was capable of doing. And I am most certainly not guaranteed anything now. But, there is still hope.I hope that our relationship can be saved. That our family won't suffer too much. That things truly can get better.

I hope that there is a day I don't wonder what he's up to.

A day I don't want to check his cell phone or email accounts.

A day where things just feel better.

And, some days they do feel a lot better than they did 6 plus months ago. Or even 2 months ago.

So for 2015, what I would like for others to think about is this. If by chance you are thinking about cheating because perhaps your relationship isn't what you would like it to be OR if you are already cheating. THINK about what you are doing and WHY you are really doing it. I think most couple just lack good communication. There are a lot of assumptions.

Don't assume.

TALK to your significant other. Not the "other" other.

The person you made those vows with?
That's the one you should be discussing your future with.
Your hopes and dreams with.
You disappointments with.
Your frustrations with.

Perhaps they feel sad and lonely too. Take the first step.

Maybe thing won't work out. Maybe it's not destined to be forever, but at least you'll know that you gave it your all. You won't be sitting there a few years from now wondering what to do and if you did enough. You'll know you tried.

And yes, maybe you'll need to be honest about what's been going on, but trust me. Your spouse would rather hear from you what's been going on than to find out randomly later. Trust me. Because if they find out through other sources, they'll be like me and MANY other who are left wondering...

are you really sorry about your affair?

or are you just sorry you got caught?

Ups and Downs

I find myself having an internal battle most days. The overly emotional persona versus the overly practical one. It's like being on a crazy roller coaster and not being able to get off.

When the emotional side takes over, I am in for it. I sink really low and I cry at EVERYTHING. Not just the few small tears that escape, the but full out sobbing, body shaking, snot accumulating kind of crying. The weight of the world seems way too much and I feel like I am just being crushed.

At these times, if my WH is around and awake, he takes notice and doesn't seem to know what to do. He looks haunted, but somehow doesn't do much to reassure me...or to really apologize....or the show me that he is still here for all the right reasons. At these times, somehow, I am made to feel that is deceit and infidelity was caused because of my lack of interest in him. My over devotion to the kids. I end up saying "I'm sorry" and become affectionate to him.

And, it's not to say that I am not sorry that he felt I "wasn't there". But in truth, I really was. I was overly there. All the time. Little Miss Dependable. Little Miss Enabler.

I allowed him to go about his day without interruptions. Get up when you want and go to work. Don't worry about checking in. Come home when you can. I've got it all covered at home. 3 kids, tons to running, homework etc. Tons of laundry from the kids and their friends (especially in the summer when they all swim). Cleaning, shopping, cooking, juggling our devastated finances. Planning birthday celebrations, holidays.

You get the picture? So, I start to sort of feel a bit resentful of his making me feel guilty for raising our family. While he is doing what he wants. With no regard to me....or his kids really. And, with that resentment come the anger. WTF? Really?

Then the overly practical me shows up. And she isn't even one bit happy. She wants O-U- T! She wants to just move on because there is no way that this guy could really still be the same guy she married. How could he possibly be so nonchalant about the huge trust breach? The lies? The deception? And why doesn't he see that and just take responsibility and grovel like he should?

I feel like all he wants to do is smooth things over enough to shove them under the carpet. I feel like he doesn't want to be completely honest and really let us heal and move on with our lives. Perhaps he is still in the affair fog. Maybe that still needs to lift.

I struggle each and every day with trying to be rational and give this an honest try. But how do I know if it's the right thing?

I started this one a while ago and have just been so in my own head, I didn't finish.

Affairs are poison. They enter the tiny little imperfections of our lives. The seek out the smallest crack in our otherwise decent foundation. I knew that my marriage wasn't perfect. But, I innocently thought love would conquer all. IF you are in a committed relationship and you are trying your best and there is LOVE, then it's unconditional and everything else will fall into place.

I was so busy concentrating on keeping everything together at home that I missed the little cues that something was amiss. You know, the day to day things.The house, the kids, the budget, working. I thought I was doing my part in my marriage. I allowed my husband to get up and go to work...to stay at work as long as he needed....never worried that he was doing something he shouldn't be doing. We had commitment, we had love. It may not have been perfect, but we had history. A foundation. Over the years, we added the walls and the rooms to our foundation. You know, the history of us, the years, the experiences, the kids, the milestones. This made up our "house".

So when the poison entered our "house". I didn't quite notice. I did think certain things were odd, but I let my rose colored glassed talk me out of worrying too much. I tried harder to be the perfect wife and mother. I tried not to notice how much of a stranger my husband had become. I didn't quite notice the little 'cracks' getting bigger.

Infidelity threatens to bring down the house so to speak. It weakens the structure of marriage so much. It makes you wonder if you will ever be able to trust again. To rebuild the current structure or just move on and start over? If you are in the midst of own turmoil, sitting on the cracked foundation of your house wondering if all the walls are going to close in around you, know that you aren't alone. There are many of us sitting here. Pondering our futures. Hopefully, we won't sit for too long before we find the strength to get up and clean house, one way or another.

Well, here I am, my first entry on my new blog. I have been stalking other people's blogs, but it's time to tell my story. Yesterday, was 1 month to the day of my D-Day. A month ago, I didn't know what a D-Day was. I'm sorry that I know now. And what a WS is and a bunch of other terms I have since learned. If you are lucky enough to be naive to them, D-Day is day of discovering. A term used for the day you find out about your spouse's infidelity. WS is short for wayward spouse, or WH in my case, for wayward husband.

July 14, 2014 started out like any other day. DH (dear husband at that point) got up and went off to work. I was at home with the kids. There were no major events happening and vacation was less than a week away. Life was NORMAL. I was checking email and honestly, I almost deleted this one. I thought it was junk. It came from Goodreads. I don't really use Goodreads, but I have clicked it on Facebook to see what other people are reading. What caught my attention on this junk mail was the subject line..."you and DH's name". Hmmmm, how they heck does Goodreads know my DH's name? So I opened it and read it. The anonymous sender (through the guise of a "book recommendation") proceeded to inform of my not so DH's infidelity. You have no idea how awful it is to read something like that. Or maybe you do and I am sorry for your pain. It is an AWFUL feeling. I couldn't breathe, my head felt like the blood rushing through it was going to make it explode, and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach all at once. Time seemed to stop. I thought the ground was going to swallow me up. I think that would have been the kindest thing. It didn't though.

I had to keep it as together as possible, because I wasn't home alone. The kids were there. And yep, the youngest took one look at me a bit later and started with "what's wrong mommy, did someone die?" Ha, what a question. Because, yeah, sort of, they did. The illusion of my marriage and my husband pretty much just did. But of course, you can't say that, can you? So, I reassured her that I was just very sad and that it had nothing to due with her and she shouldn't worry. I'm not sure how convinced she was, but she finally stopped asking, but she was never far away checking on me. I made dinner and had it ready when my DH, oops WH, came home. I had decided to just confront him and get it over with so that I didn't have to stress about that part anymore. I followed him into our room and into our closet as he was changing. I said I had something to talk about and I just need to say it. I told him that I knew he was having an affair and that I knew it had been going on for a while. Then I yelled at him. Then I cried. To his credit, he never denied. He never got nasty or hateful with me as I have read most WS's do.

My first instinct was I wanted him out. Once a cheater always a cheater. All the deceit and the lies, unforgivable. There was no other answer, right? So I told him I couldn't stand the sight of him and I didn't want to be around him. He was so calm as I ranted and yelled. He said he didn't want to leave. He would just stay in the spare bedroom. I said there was no way I would be able to go on vacation with the family (with go with his parents). He said he understood. I needed time and went for a drive. I ended up at church. I couldn't make myself go in because I didn't want to talk to anyone, but I was led there. I sat there for a while and figured I needed to go home. The kids would wonder what was going on and at that point, I didn't really know what was going to happen. I didn't want to cause them any unnecessary stress. I grew up in a broken home with an extremely bitter mother. I didn't want them to have that life. That's when I decided it was too soon to make decisions at all. And, that it wasn't just about me or about my WH's selfishness. I needed to be an adult and try to keep them out of it until there was reason to bring them into it.

So, I get home and we act like everything is "normal". They had eaten while I was gone and had already cleaned up.(I never did eat and didn't for about 3 or 4 days, I still really would rather not eat) My WS was actually doing laundry. He doesn't do laundry. We spent time with the kids. After they were in bed, he asked where I wanted him to sleep. We have a couch in our bedroom, so I opted for him to sleep there since it would be the least obvious to the kids that things weren't right. We talked a lot. I cried a lot. I said that the physical part of the affair had been minimal and it had been over for a while. He refused to tell me the who. Said it didn't matter. I said it certainly did. I suggested that maybe the vacation would be a good time to spend time together and work on us. I didn't want the kids to be upset by my not being there either.

The past month has been the darkest of times in my life. I realize that we did have some issues, but we had talked about them and I thought we were working on them. We have been married 17 years and the one thing I thought I KNEW was that my WH was a man of strong faith and moral character. I foolishly let that blind me to the fact that he is indeed human and that infidelity is possible with anyone. I am full of self blame and regret. I do KNOW that he was the one who made those choices. I didn't make him cheat. It has been a month and I still feel so raw. I am so all over the place in my emotions. I do believe it's normal and to be expected. I don't know where we will end up. Part of me really wants to call it quits, to just end it before I get hurt anymore. Maybe next month will be better.