Ups and Downs

I find myself having an internal battle most days. The overly emotional persona versus the overly practical one. It's like being on a crazy roller coaster and not being able to get off.

When the emotional side takes over, I am in for it. I sink really low and I cry at EVERYTHING. Not just the few small tears that escape, the but full out sobbing, body shaking, snot accumulating kind of crying. The weight of the world seems way too much and I feel like I am just being crushed.

At these times, if my WH is around and awake, he takes notice and doesn't seem to know what to do. He looks haunted, but somehow doesn't do much to reassure me...or to really apologize....or the show me that he is still here for all the right reasons. At these times, somehow, I am made to feel that is deceit and infidelity was caused because of my lack of interest in him. My over devotion to the kids. I end up saying "I'm sorry" and become affectionate to him.

And, it's not to say that I am not sorry that he felt I "wasn't there". But in truth, I really was. I was overly there. All the time. Little Miss Dependable. Little Miss Enabler.

I allowed him to go about his day without interruptions. Get up when you want and go to work. Don't worry about checking in. Come home when you can. I've got it all covered at home. 3 kids, tons to running, homework etc. Tons of laundry from the kids and their friends (especially in the summer when they all swim). Cleaning, shopping, cooking, juggling our devastated finances. Planning birthday celebrations, holidays.

You get the picture? So, I start to sort of feel a bit resentful of his making me feel guilty for raising our family. While he is doing what he wants. With no regard to me....or his kids really. And, with that resentment come the anger. WTF? Really?

Then the overly practical me shows up. And she isn't even one bit happy. She wants O-U- T! She wants to just move on because there is no way that this guy could really still be the same guy she married. How could he possibly be so nonchalant about the huge trust breach? The lies? The deception? And why doesn't he see that and just take responsibility and grovel like he should?

I feel like all he wants to do is smooth things over enough to shove them under the carpet. I feel like he doesn't want to be completely honest and really let us heal and move on with our lives. Perhaps he is still in the affair fog. Maybe that still needs to lift.

I struggle each and every day with trying to be rational and give this an honest try. But how do I know if it's the right thing?